ANDONI SOOKLARIS

• Identified a woman of high class yet profoundly questionable judgment, heralding from The Promised Land of Salt Lake City (my future home) and willing to tolerate my μαλακία
• Secured engagement through poor home cooking, lackluster Greek dancing, and strategic flattery
• Delivered the only product launch of my career not immediately shuttered

• Born "Anthony Sooklaris" in 1995; spent years masquerading as "Andoni Tsouchlarakis" without legal basis
• Launched andonisooklaris.com in 2018 with characteristic hubris; took it down in shame upon reflecting on its contents
• Attempted legal name change to "Andoni Tsouchlarakis" in 2023; successfully fooled the US government, but was caught red-handed by Lord, Master and Savior Steven Katsohirakis, who had preemptively registered andonitsouchlarakis.com in His infinite wisdom
• Currently groveling for reinstatement; terms remain at the sole discretion of the domain's rightful owner, contingent on sufficient genuflection and sustained good behavior

• Appointed Chief Bass Officer in recognition of shared geopolitical interests with the Turkish Government
• Declared "Bass Destruction" as official policy; implementation pending indefinitely
• Zero bass destroyed to date; zero allies secured; zero laughs generated
• Persisting undeterred by the complete indifference of all parties and the continued existence of bass

Apple

• Gargled the 🍎🍎 of Tim Cook
• Shepherded Apple Pay Later to production; shuttered within months and retroactively renamed Apple Pay Never
• Currently stewarding an equally promising pipeline of projects toward identical fates
• Supplementing my measly paycheck by extorting friends and family for 3% cashback by purchasing their 🍎 products for them

Georgia Institute of Technology

Nearly forfeited degree due to chronic laziness; almost lost Apple tuition reimbursement in the process.

University of California, Davis

Graduated Cum Μαλάκα.